Buying things on the Internet (Corrected essay)
Buying things on the Internet, such as books, air tickets and groceries, is becoming more and more popular. Do the advantages of shopping in this way outweigh the disadvantages?
WRITING TASK 2
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic.
Buying things on the Internet, such as books, air tickets and groceries, is becoming more and more popular.
Do the advantages of shopping in this way outweigh the disadvantages?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
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Sample essay written by Nguyen Yen
In recent years, there has been a growing trend that people tend to buy things on the Internet. This present both pros and cos, however, in my opinion, its benefits are much more significant than the drawbacks.
On the one hand, shopping online brings consumers some disadvatages. Initially, since people are unable to touch or to see the products they want to buy in reality, it is always hard for them to examine the quality of these products. As a result, they might purchase the items with poor quality. In addition to that, as consumers do not feel happy with the items they had bought online, they tend to abandon these products or don't use them at all. This is definitely a watse of money. Moreover, buyings thing on the Internet often makes people confused since there are a great number of shops on the Internet. To be specific, buyers might see the same products in several shops, but the prices for these items can be very different, ranging from reasonable to prohibitedly expensive price. Consequently, they will not know which products they should purchase.
On the other hand, I am of opinion that shopping online brings people a number of benefits. First, shopping online allows consumers to browse for products and checking prices between these online shops . In this way, people can make a better decision to buy what they like after taking prices, sizes and models into consideration. From my experience, I used to buy an elegant dress at virtual shop, which was cheaper compared to some shops near my houses.
Second, buyings things on the Internet helps people save a great deal of time. That is to say, since people nowadays are often so caught up with work and study, shopping online is a wise choice which doesn't require them to go the the stores . With a click of mouse, they can buy the things they need and the shippers will deliver their products to customers as soon as possible.
Third, since there is a high demand of buying things online, many people can realize their dream of starting up their own business and achieve success in the long rub This can be seen as a positive trend because it creates good job opportunities for people and thereby help people to improve their income and well-being. This also contributes to boosting the economy of a nation in generall.
In conclusion, although buyings things on the Internet exerts some adverse aspects, the advantages can justify these.
(Band 6.5)
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In recent years, there has been a growing trend that people tend to buy things on the Internet in online shopping. This present both pros and cos cons, however, in my opinion, its benefits are much more significant than the drawbacks.
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The phrase “buy things on the Internet” is already used in the essay topic. Try to shorten it by using a suitable buzzword, such as “online shopping”
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Words such as 'people' and 'ideas' have the potential to be vague. So, avoid saying “people tend to” if possible.
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The second sentence in the introduction has too many commas. Break it into two simple sentences if necessary.
On the one hand, shopping online online shopping brings to the consumers some disadvatages. Initially, since people are unable to touch or to see the products they want to buy in reality, it is always hard for them to examine the quality of these products. As a result, they might purchase the items with poor quality. In addition to that, as the consumers do not feel happy with the items they had bought online, they tend to abandon these products or dont do not use them at all. This is definitely a watse waste of money. Moreover, buyings thing on the Internet often makes people confused since there are a great number of shops on the Internet. To be specific, the buyers might see the same products in several shops, but the prices for these items can be very different, ranging from reasonable to prohibitedly expensive price. Consequently, they will not know which products they should purchase.
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The second sentence is too wordy, due to the fact that the words “people”, “they”, and “them” all have been used despite being unnecessary. Since the main focus here is the products, not the people using them, I suggest rewriting the whole sentence into passive voice.
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Avoid using contraction (“don’t”) in an academic context.
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The ideas and sentence structures being used here are kinda repetitive. Regarding of online shopping, there are many issues that are worth mentioning (shipment delays, misleading online marketing, annoying advertises, etc)
On the other hand, I am of the opinion that shopping online online shopping brings people a number of benefits. First, shopping online online shopping allows the consumers to browse for products and checking comparing the prices between these online shops. In this way, people can make a better decision to buy what they like after taking prices, sizes and models of the products into consideration. To speak From my experience, I used to buy an elegant dresses at virtual shops, which was cheaper compared to that of some shops near my houses. Second, buyings things on the Internet helps people save a great deal of time. That is to say, since people nowadays are often so caught up with work and study, shopping online online shopping is a wise choice which doesn’t does not require them to go the the stores. With a click of mouse With just a click, they can buy the things they need and the shippers will deliver their products to the customers as soon as possible. Third, since there is a high demand of buying things online, many people can realize their dream of starting up their own business and achieve success in the long rub run. This can be seen as a positive trend because it creates good job opportunities for the people and thereby help people to improve their income and well-being. This also contributes to boosting the economy of a nation in generall.
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While the second body paragraph is very long (216 words!), its quaility doesn’t appear much better than the first one. Try to write only 70 words, you will definitely see an improvement.
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Many idioms are introduced in this paragraph: “a great deal of time”, “in the long run”, “to be caught up”, “to take in consideration”, “with just a click”. However, the attempt to use them isn’t really succesful, due to some spelling mistakes.
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The vocabulary is kinda limitted here. However, there are a variety of connectives (“on the one hand”, , “first”, “in this way”, “thereby”, etc).
In conclusion, although buyings things on the Internet exerts some adverse aspects, the advantages can justify these.
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Too short and unconvincing. Need to give more emphasis.
Words: 418 words
Overall: 6.5
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Task Response: 7
✓ addresses all parts of the task (the essay has answer the required question, and write more than 250 words)
✓ presents a clear position throughout the response
✓ presents, extends and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to overgeneralise and/or supporting ideas may lack focus
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Coherence and Cohesion: 7
✓ logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout
✓ uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use
✓ presents a clear central topic within each paragraph
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Lexical Resource: 6
✓ uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
✓ attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy (the writer uses very few topic-related words. And when they are used, mistakes are presented “shopping online”)
✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
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Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
✓ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
✓ makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication (lots of the article “the” are missing, so I cannot give a 7 score here)
